Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
