The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
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