we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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