Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You pole danced in your parka.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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