im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
