I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize