just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
