The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
