all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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