you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
