when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
