If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
