don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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