My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
