Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Slut skills are useful in every country.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
