i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
