I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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