Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize