I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
