make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
