The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Couch. On fire.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
