It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
