too bad you live with your parents still
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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