So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize