I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
