I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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