I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
