last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
