My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
