She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
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