Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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