I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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