Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
