woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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