The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
send nudes
from the living room?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
