Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
