oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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