I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
