I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize