I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Ketchup is God's man juice
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
