Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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