One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
