Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
