dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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