i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
