she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
