Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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