Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize