she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
