you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
