Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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