Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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