Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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