I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
