A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
