its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My cat gives me a boner
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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