no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It was like giving head to a cactus.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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