Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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