Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
